Transcript of Sex vs. Intimacy
Transcript of Sex vs. Intimacy
0 (1s):
Welcome to Real. Raw With, Dr be this nationally published author and pastor has made it, his life’s work to helping people strengthened their relationship with God themselves and each other with 25 years as a licensed counselor, coupled with his own life experiences with the ups and downs of married and single life. It’s like having a counseling session right in your own home. So without any further ado, it’s time for Real Raw with Dr B
1 (32s):
God bless everyone. This is Marriage Ministry Sex and Stress is a monthly webinar that we do. And people, this is good for leaders. Just people who are relationships who want to learn, do better. We have on some Gregory capable people. We have the, the Sally’s on it. It sounds. Can you hear me Sally’s yes, sir. All right. And we’re about to add on the home family. Apostle and attorney can hear me great. Okay, great. Great. All right, so we’re going to go right into the discussion and my lovely wife is here. How are you doing with my luck?
1 (1m 13s):
And great. Thank you. All right. All right. So let’s go to the first topic for the day is how do we deal with anxiety in the midst of COVID I’ll I’ll take that first shot. Is that in the midst of COVID, this can definitely either help a cup for, or destroy our cup for understanding that Corvette is here for awhile, maybe here for a couple of years, for what scientists are saying, but somehow couples have to stay connected so that these things will not destroy them in advance in any comment.
1 (1m 54s):
My love. All right, Sally is a common all of that. Absolutely. And this is, this is unreal to us, you know, the isolation, the high anxieties, and just uncertain times. And so yes, we have to do what we can to stay motivated in the midst of this storm, because it’s, it’s a storm. Yes, it is. Absolutely. I mean, it was like you said, this, these are unprecedented times and we need talks like this to divorce where we are, and in this is the perfect time for, for couples to even strengthen their marriages or their in their relationships.
1 (2m 44s):
Exactly, exactly. Apostle and our attorney. God any comments on that? Yep. And really trying times, and you know, I think that, yes, this pandemic has tested a lot of relationships with different people
2 (3m 1s):
And you’re going to come out on one side of it on the other. So there will be, there’s a lot of things that, you know, that if they aren’t in place, I think they should be in place while we’re dealing with this.
1 (3m 18s):
I really feel that this, as you guys have said is very powerful. Either a cover song is stronger or weaker, just as a common thing. And I think this is a common thing where if you’re not strong enough, I’m still hearing some backlog here. All right. Thank you. If couples are not strong enough, then this will affect them in a very negative way. So, so really it’s what points are you guys joining to stay strong? Baby?
3 (3m 54s):
What points do you think we’re doing to the station? We’ll do it is during this pandemic. Let’s see. Well, we’re we try to keep the laughter and everything. Right. We try to keep the laughter, even though we’re very busy working from home, I think it just helps that we try to keep a lot of laughter and just fun. Yeah. Try to find fun things to do amid this entire crisis.
1 (4m 21s):
Yeah. We went to a laser tag and someone lit me up like crazy and laser tag. So that’s your background. Yeah. But my baby has a military background and she definitely, but your living room, like a Christmas tree, I will talk about that later on attorney homes. How do you keep it, keep things powerful up with you when a policy during this time?
2 (4m 54s):
Well, one of the things I try to do is make sure that we, we have like a routine, you know, some things, you know, it was easy to it. It’s good to have, you know, some spontaneous moments. That’s great, but I know that it’s also equally important to have some things that are routine that, you know, I stick to a certain pattern, so to speak, I get up and I have the same routine every single day. Like I know, I know my husband could probably tell you exactly what I’m going to do any given morning, as far as getting things prepared for him getting his day started, right. Especially on a Monday morning, you know, after preaching and, you know, after everything that we do want Sunday, I think is important to just have some things that are constant so that, you know, he can be at peace so that we can be at peace.
2 (5m 41s):
So the house can have peace. Then, you know, those other moments where it’s like sponsor and spontaneous bursts throughout the day where, you know, I might turn on, I try not to watch anything or turn out very rarely get to watch TV. But if I do, I try not to put on anything
4 (5m 58s):
That’s too still with drama or fighting or anything. Like there was this one show. I’m not going to say what it was that, you know, we started to watch. Cause we like to find a series that we both like, and one show, it was just filled with so much dysfunction in the family that I said, okay, look, we’re going to be watching the voice, the mass singer, you must stay away with this stuff in this house. You know, it, it makes you, you know, anyway. So I, I guard what we, our atmosphere at the house as well. I’m trying to say
1 (6m 31s):
So, so, so, so let’s take that springboard attorney homes that, how can we guard ourselves doing calls at 19? How can we guard ourselves from the negativity Warren? And you want to talk to him about that first? How can we guard ourselves?
4 (6m 52s):
Well, I pretty much want to piggyback on it. You know what she stated, we have a routine and our roots, our routine has not changed. I work from home, my husband work out, you know, from the house. And so we still maintain our routine, you know, in the evenings, we try to find something fun to watch or to do play your game or something. But for the most part, we stick to the routine, you know, so we don’t have any small kids in the house with her and not, you know, where we have to teach them from home and all that type of stuff.
4 (7m 34s):
We’re empty nesters. So that’s our routine and we pretty much stay
5 (7m 38s):
Well with it. And, and, and I too want to jump on attorney homes, what she said about guarding, what, especially what you watch. And cause a lot of times you get a lot of that in your own negativity and your spirit and that can, that can really affect your day. Yeah. And it can even affect this. Yeah. You know, so it’s, it’s, you gotta kind of guard what you, what you, what your watching and, and, and putting and just get to know your significant other a lot better, you know, probably put your energies into doing that.
4 (8m 16s):
Yeah.
1 (8m 22s):
All right. I’m back. I’m back. I had to power up the iPad. Apostle Terry, since you are a, a veteran, as well as a, a, a retired state trooper I’ve, I’ve recognized that watching too much CNN Fox news will discourage me. So I try not to watch it too much. Give me your opinion about that parcel.
4 (8m 55s):
Well, you know,
6 (8m 56s):
We’re, we’re, we’re so different, you know, as far as news goes, I don’t like, like my wife said, we don’t really watch a lot of TV, especially during the day is just not, it’s just not on. Right. And I haven’t, you know, except for the elections, I just haven’t, I haven’t been up to date, you know, with, with, with current affairs as it relates to news, because I have, I have seen in the past that, you know, news can be extremely depressing. And so, but it’s not, it’s not a, it’s not something that I made a conscious decision, you know, to not watch.
6 (9m 39s):
I just don’t, you know, I just don’t watch a lot of news, you know, w you know, I just don’t, I don’t think that affects me because I, you know, I don’t watch the news. I watch it during the elections, but, and that, and that just for a little while, but other than that, you know, I really haven’t, you know, for my wife has to be the newspaper. I do read the newspaper, but that’s, that’s for stocks.
3 (10m 15s):
Yeah.
1 (10m 20s):
As a, as a person of coaching, how do you tell people to guard what comes into their windows into their walls? And why is that?
3 (10m 30s):
Well, I just explained to them that remember, everything is a heart. So this is, this pandemic is not all of us. Although it’s consuming so much, this pandemic is just a part of what’s going on in the world. So when, when my clients tend to look at things, or my family tend to look at things, or I tend to look at things as this is just a part of what’s going on, it just, it helps me better facilitate indefinitely. My clients. It helps them as well, better facilitate their lives and what they’re doing and the ways that they will keep on.
1 (11m 9s):
Yeah. I, back to what parcel sad is that, you know what, this, this pandemic is not going away no time soon, and is really a strategy of how couples are going to deal with it. And it’s really, for me personally, you know, if I look at CNN and I see how many cases we have, if we’re not careful will make that more of a goal, then, you know, just keeping our connection together, no matter what. So really, you know, we want to tell all the couples out there who are listening, that, you know what, keep your connection strong.
1 (11m 48s):
That’s, that’s my foundation in my counseling. And, and by doing, you become strong in the end. All right, let’s move another subject. Grown kids, Lord, have mercy. Anyone want to take a pause? Warren, Sally, let you go first. How do grown kids either affect you in a good way or positive way? I will let you go first. Sally’s right.
5 (12m 20s):
Oh, help me. Jesus. As you know, we, even with our grown children, you know, we, we let them know that will still yield for them. They’re still, there is still out. There is still out. There is still, our babies is still our children. And even though now we are miles and miles away from them. And we still by design. We still zoom with them and, and things like that. But this has been trying, you know, usually for Thanksgiving, we will be talking today.
5 (13m 2s):
And my wife was saying how different this Thanksgiving is going to be compared those to all the others. Cause we used to having all the kids and the grandkids in here now. So, but now this year we’re going to be on zoom with them. So this is going to be totally different. It’s just the two of us.
4 (13m 21s):
Oh yeah. Yeah. It is really challenging. The fact that they’re not here, however, we’re in a new place in our relationship and in our lives because we’re now empty nesters and all of our kids are grown. We have with eight grands and they’re in South Carolina, North Carolina, Philadelphia, and we are here in Maryland. So that’s been a challenge within itself because now for the very first time in this 33 year Marriage we have all this space and time to reminisce and to enjoy.
4 (14m 5s):
Yeah. So, so, so you know, so it’s a different place for us and we’re excited about it. We’re excited about it though. We miss the kids. We have boundaries and boundaries are good. Yeah.
1 (14m 19s):
All right. A parcel and attorney, no comments on that, please.
4 (14m 28s):
He’s muted.
1 (14m 30s):
I’m not sure if it makes you, I’m not sure which you know, for, for, for my kids, I have my three daughters and I have my two sons, but the two sons are younger and you know, your, your daughters, your girls are always going to be your girls. Yeah. And you know,
6 (14m 52s):
My, my daughters are rough and so what their, their daddy’s girls, but their rough, but you know what their daddies girls, you know, what their up. And I think, you know, it’s, it’s things are like, why they’re all different. My one daughter, she calls me every day, my middle daughter, she will call, you know, say every other day. And my youngest daughter, she’s, she’s been the most independent of the three. And so she’s just now getting around to calling more often.
6 (15m 35s):
Okay. And so it’s, you know, it’s, it’s a beautiful thing. I mean, that’s, that’s kind of a broad question, you know, ’cause with us, it’s, it’s different, you know, because we have my three girls and her, her oldest son is Sean is grown up now, you know, and, and, and we’re there for them. And that’s, that’s pretty much, that’s pretty much it, the dynamics are, are completely different, you know, then growing up, you know, in a, in a whole family household, so to speak. So that’s kind of a broad question and a difficult question to answer, depending on which arena you want to go in, you know, but they’re, you know, they’re my two daughters live here in, in Connecticut.
6 (16m 24s):
Weren’t connected now. I live in New York and my youngest daughter lives in Pennsylvania. And my wife’s son, sons. They live in Connecticut, the oldest son he’s out on his own. So it is kind of a, it’s a different dynamic, you know, in God with, with, with our relationship. Okay. Turning your perspective.
2 (16m 53s):
My perspective on adult children with my oldest son, he’s just now entering into adulthood. He’s in his very early stages. He’s 20. And so it’s interesting for me because, and he’s like with my husband, his daughter’s With with the step daughters, you know, their, their grown and their married and all of that good stuff with my son, you know, he’s just entering into adulthood. So there’s a lot of things that he, I still want to do for him. And I want to step in and intervene, but I want him to become an independent, strong minded young man. And so I have to toe between this fine line of wanting to mother him and be there for him, but also letting him make some of his own with the stakes and reap the consequences so that he can learn.
2 (17m 42s):
Instead of coming to his rescue, I Mazda can tell you, I have gone at the last minute up and Jerome from New York to Connecticut. So many times, two hours, two hour trip, because he lives further out than what we would travel to for the church. Like, so it goes on past the church, going to where he is two hours each way. And I will do that out. I’ve have done that no longer. I have done that at the drop of a hat because he would need me. And I’ve learned now to like, as much as I want to intervene, let him fly on his own. And if he, and if he’s stumbles or he had picked some, he needs to start to experience some of those consequences so that he can learn and to really be independent.
2 (18m 32s):
So I had to, I had to navigate that, especially during this pandemic, when I’m working from home and I can have that because before it would be like, I’m at work. I can’t do anything now because we’re here. I remember one day we were sitting down eating and we happened to be in Connecticut and he called and he was going through something with his girlfriend. And I was like, do you want me to go? Now? We were tired. We wanted to hurry up and get back home. It was snowing. And I said, you need me to come? And he said, yes. And my heart just melted. So I looked at my husband and I said, India. He said, all right, let’s go. And you know, so I’m learning to balance that out and let him really be on his own. For real, all of these kids.
2 (19m 14s):
I don’t care how old they get. You know, they are adults, but they are still your kids. And that’s not in a way it is, you know, when they call daddy or mommy, you want to be there, you know, your, your there, you know, so this is a really good topic that boundaries with our kids. And I’ll let, I’ll let my wife take a shot at it first. How do you set boundaries with kids who are grown now? How do you set boundaries?
3 (19m 51s):
Well, I think it’s pretty easy for us because we have, we do have two sons between the two of us and those two sons. They kind of set their own boundaries for us. Right. And your daughter is very independent. She’s in New York. Yeah. So the kids for us, it makes it, they make it very, very easy. How do I balance that? I mean, a lot of times I’m like Terry and he and Mary, you know, you want to run to their aid or you want to do something, you know, so bad for them. I love to see my son every day. If I could he’s at the house, he has his own place. He moved out with our Married. Yeah.
3 (20m 34s):
The boy is six foot four. I want them out of the house. He’s a former football player. I want the boy house.
1 (20m 51s):
I’m serious is a symbol of the floor toward 80 pound guy. God I want them out of the key to where you live. I’m sorry. I’ll stop that thing. I don’t know. Right. So a boundary, so our kids have made it easy for us, but one thing that we have set boundaries for us, one thing that my wife and I have to say it to each other though, is that when we give money to our kids, we will tell each other first, because sometimes the kids will do scams. Ours have not never done that.
1 (21m 31s):
And kids work well. So, so before we give out money, we stage of the, how much are you giving it? And then someone asks you for money. Cause you know, just to make sure, you know, Warren comment on that, sir.
5 (21m 47s):
Yeah. I mean, when you, when you’re saying setting boundary with two adult children, number one, these two have to come into agreement. They have to come with their agreement. And just like you said, you have to whatever rules you set for one, you go across the board and it says, apostle terrorist said when the new kids are going to be your kid, I’m your dad. I got girls, I know all of my babies now mess with babies, but you know, we have blended and we have a blended family too. So what we do for one, we do four for all across the board and you two must have, must be on in agreement with whatever you do, because if one can play the other they’ll play side and then have the two of you in a riff because of it.
5 (22m 41s):
So I would say making sure that the two of you own on agreement on anything.
4 (22m 48s):
Absolutely. Absolutely. And I can also talk about the boundary because of the fact that we do have a blended family and our girls, the girls were two and three and Chris was two. So I had a son too, when he had girls two and three. So they’re my bonus babies. I love my babies. I love, love my babies and the same thing with my husband. And we don’t treat any of them any different. And if we’re going to do something, yes, we make sure even when they were growing up in the home and his girls weren’t there and they will come on the weekends, we will make sure that we treated everyone the same.
4 (23m 37s):
And, Oh my goodness. I heard our attorney home said she drove two hours. I drove 18 hours sick. I drove 18 hours sick to Texas to pick up my adult son because, you know, that’s just who we are now. I have I’ve come to my scissors. I gathered, you know, so I’m trying to set more boundaries, but this guy, you know, and I drove I’m and I drove through the night, Andy and I have a vision problem during the night.
4 (24m 19s):
But trust me, during those eight hours, 18 hours, I had no problem because I was going to my child. You know, he called mommy and daddy. He was, you know, in destitute and he needed me. And all I could think about is to pack up and go, my husband had to work and he was on the phone checking on me every so often, but I had to go. And now that we’re out here,
7 (24m 47s):
We’re doing things.
4 (24m 47s):
It is a little different, you know, we’re allowing them to make their own mistakes. I’m at 30 years old and what, 2030, 24, 30, two 33. Now we’re setting more boundaries where they’re, they’re going to have to make their mistakes. However, we’re still here and we’re still rooting for them. And we will be there providing we can, but it’s okay to say, we can’t do this. We can’t do it. You know, there were a time when we first moved to Maryland, my phone lived on my hip because I was so anxious about something happening.
4 (25m 31s):
Even though they’re adults, they’re still my children. And I was so anxious until I had to give it to God and just leave it there, you know, because they’re going to be children and they’re going to do what they want to do. And when they call us is not necessarily the way they stated it, however we’re going to react. And so we’ve set the boundaries a certain time at night, we turn the phone off, we start, we turned the phone off and we give it to God and go to sleep.
6 (26m 7s):
No comment, sir. Yeah. Like I said, earlier, it with us, it was like I mentioned earlier, our dynamic was different because my daughters lived in, in Georgia for pretty much the second half of their lives. And so although I was into picture and see, and would go down there a lot and, you know, bring them up on every holiday that you can think of. And it, there still a, there was still a disconnect. So, so once they moved up here, all the daddy issues surfaced and it just, it just, you know, it was a challenging time and, and we gave up, we made a lot of adjustments, you know, and looking back on those, we would probably take a, look a second, look at it, you know, and decide whether we would do that again, you know, to the extent that we went because of being with some, you know, living sacrifices and, and other things that we may, that we probably should have set boundaries on.
6 (27m 27s):
And so for me, you know, I’m, I’m sure that I’m positive that it is more pressure on, on my wife, but at the same time, it was pressure on me because you’re trying to make up all this time. And our, our dynamic, which is different is we were newly married right around the same time. You know, that they all, all back, two of them moved up here with us. And so you want to talk about, you know, dynamite, that’s been sitting around for a thousand years and in a wedding, it was just extremely challenging.
6 (28m 11s):
And, you know, we got through it, but I tell you, it was, it was a rough ride, you know, and I, you know, I love all of my children to death, but it really I’ve. I’ve learned some lessons, you know, some hard lessons from that. And, you know, if, if we had to do it again, I think that things would be different in love, but still different.
0 (28m 42s):
Dr. B has chosen to devote his life, to saving the institution of Marriage in his book, successful marriages for successful men. He gives them the knowledge to be relationship ready, check it out.
8 (28m 54s):
My ignorance in my first marriage, it was definitely Sean and I learned the hard way. And that’s one of the reasons why I write so many books on relationships because no one taught me and I learned the hard way. And it is my heart to help men, especially not learn the hard way. So this is successful. Marriage is for successful men, guaranteed. I guarantee you, this will improve your relationship.
0 (29m 21s):
Sure. Purchases can be made@thebookstoreatdrtcbrentleydotcomandtheycanalsobepurchasedatamazonandbarnesandnoble.com. And now here’s more of dr. V
6 (29m 35s):
Because it could mean a all of us are blended families. All of us have blended family
1 (29m 42s):
DNA, Michelle and Portia and Sally’s in their homes. So if you guys could think of one phrase to help a couple that’s about to be blended, what would that one phrase be an attorney, a attorney. And also, I’ll start with you guys first. What would that one phrase be for a couple of that’s about to be Married but they have blends.
2 (30m 9s):
What would that one thing be for you to tell them, tell them you said one phrase, right? That’s the one phrase, I guess the main I have paragraphs, you know, one, one phrase would have to be make sure that you like, okay. Communication is key. Let me just say that. Communicate with your spouse. Because as long as you are on the same page and you’re making the decisions together and you both agree, that will take you a long way in navigating blended families, even if it’s just has to be a United front for that moment.
2 (30m 59s):
And you guys work it out afterwards, because any opportunity where there’s Oh, you said a phrase. Okay. Yeah, communication is key. I got another one.
2 (31m 44s):
I was going to speak from the other side of this perspective, you know, compassion, like, you know, looking at it from all, all sides, you know, because one thing that I wish I could have done better, you know, I don’t have that. You can’t go back and do it over. Realistically. One thing that I wish I would have been able to do better is not take certain things personally. Cause it wasn’t, it, it really wasn’t. So don’t take it personally. I mean, I, I would say have a lot of patients, you know, have a lot of patients, graceful patients.
1 (32m 27s):
All right. All right, Warren and Annie,
2 (32m 37s):
Sorry. No, I mean,
5 (32m 42s):
Wow. I can add on to that in and say I did with the, what they said, and now I will say, I don’t know, they go, go, go for his mother
4 (32m 55s):
Communication. Communication is key. And then compassion. You know, my son was to his girls was two and three and they weren’t in the home. So I found myself having a lot of compassion because here my son is a part of our dynamic. He’s taking care of him 24 seven. Therefore I had to be compassionate though. I want it to be compassionate as well. It, it allowed me to be even more compassionate about our blended family and making it work even when he got frustrated, you know, I’m pushing him because I understand the disconnect with the girls not being in the house.
4 (33m 42s):
I understood his pain for wanting his children to be in the house. So I had to do everything. Oh, I’m sorry. That’s the phrase, but that’s a very gray,
3 (33m 59s):
I’m sorry. Right in the book, ladies, I said, phrase is pleased. Your phrase, communication and compassion.
5 (34m 15s):
Wow. Warren understanding. I will say understanding. Cause it was,
3 (34m 24s):
Can I go there just a little good, please. It’s hard to say these phrases.
5 (34m 28s):
Well connecting sentences too. But as a possible with Tara was saying, I know where he was going because I walked in those same shoes and I had to understand, we both have don’t understand each other’s flights is, is like you said it. And I had to understand what this meant for me to have my girls when they come and not have the backstage drama and you know, you and I going at each other, which I thank God we never did. And because we communicate it and we, I just didn’t bring them up and said, the girls are here.
5 (35m 14s):
Just deal with it. I know I never did that. We would always discuss and, and try to work it out. So understanding patients, communication, all of that, all of that is needed.
3 (35m 28s):
All right. Max and Maya, my lovely wife. What I give up the word phrase. And what would you say is a good
1 (35m 38s):
To people bringing blended family together?
3 (35m 43s):
It ain’t none of our business when it comes to grandkids, especially like it’s none of our business. So like, what I mean by that is, you know, as, as kids get older, you know, sometimes I know women, we may have the tendency to be like, well, why are they doing it this way? Why they’re doing it that way? Why are they doing this? Why does it go? And you know, our partners may not want to hear that our Life partners may not want to hear that, especially if it’s not about your own child. Right. So, you know, I would say definitely gentleness and easiness when it comes to speaking on or about, or on behalf of someone else’s child, I will say another thing.
3 (36m 37s):
And we had this in our relationship where one of our children was like, I’m not ready yet. And so it’s like allow that person to approach the couple on their terms and on their time. Right. So we had that and we definitely see a blossoming and it’s just a beautiful world. Sure. Because we have to remember too, that in a relationship, you know, we may have gone through our things with another person or with other people. And we can’t forget that the kids are not only watching this through us, but they’re also living it and experiencing it.
3 (37m 26s):
And they’re also taking on their own perspectives. My thing assists, I know this is more than a phrase as, as, as, as we all did. I know with my son, I remember, you know, he and my, his father and me having the conversation like my, this child didn’t ask to be in whatever relationship. So is definitely, I definitely agree with the possible Terry and, and attorney homes as well as pastors, Aaron and Warren, Warren, Aaron, Andy, and Warren, Sally counselors as well.
3 (38m 11s):
I definitely agree with them. Communication, communication, communication, connection, connection, connection. What about yourself?
1 (38m 20s):
The phrase. Okay. Is very key. Relationship priority. Number one, done. That’s it. And that’s it. Thanks. C. All right. We have to stop around seven 15. So we’re doing good. This next question is going to the ladies first ladies, can you explain to your respective husbands the difference between sex and intimacy? The difference between sex and intimacy attorney? You’ll go first. My lovely wife goes second and, and then you will go third. All right, go ahead.
1 (39m 0s):
Go ahead. Apostle. I’m an attorney. Do your thing, girl.
2 (39m 5s):
Okay. All right. So the difference is between sex and intimacy, which is all right for me. Okay. Is he is so anxious to see what I’m going to say is a mechanical thing. When I say mechanical, it shouldn’t take a whole lot of thought process behind it. It should be no, there’s no organizational structure. There’s no, you know, protocol and, and, and politeness.
2 (39m 48s):
And if you want something, you get it, they get it. We’re not chips where adults use your words, tell us what you want, what you really, really want. So for me next is like, Hey, we’ve gotta talk about intimacy though. Intimacy is where, okay, that’s the romance part? That’s the touchy feely stuff. That’s where, okay, look, touch me this way. Look at me this way. This, all of the feelings and emotions is there and sex can be intimate and you can make Sex intimate.
2 (40m 34s):
But for me personally, I think that it should be that shouldn’t even be a priority. It shouldn’t be a part of the equation. It, it should be how, I’m sorry, are we all Facebook live? I don’t know how far I can go. That should be like, you know, it, it in the moment is like, look wherever you want. That’s what you, and when it comes to husbands and wives, With because of course it, when it comes to, you know, sex with husband is whatever they want and, you know, thought behind it.
2 (41m 17s):
And you’ve got to try and figure it out and just do it and keep it at that in the answer, intimacy part, you know, we can research and read books and all of that stuff. I’ve learned his love languages and vice versa. And I got this, just this revelation the other day, as I was thinking of all of the seminar, you know, the golden rule does not work in. Marriage generally speaking. It’s not about saving the other person the way you want to be treated, treat them the way they treat. So I think that, you know, applies with Sex too touchy, feely stuff.
2 (42m 0s):
But if they want you to just bang out, do that, do what they want and do what they like. All right, God bless you. God bless you.
3 (42m 20s):
Wow. The difference between intimacy and sex to me, I think they, they exist together when it comes to my relationship. Intimacy is the talking with me and I feeding you, feeding me. We reciprocate doing that. And good. And that’s, that’s I, you know, for us where it’s such a honeymoon phase is not telling my business, but the girl, like with a 20 something year old with this guy is like,
2 (43m 12s):
I have to be quiet on it and ready. Thank God. It was so
3 (43m 20s):
Well, you know, I know a lot of my, a lot of, you know, guys, my age, and this is definitely a thing to cherish. They can’t get it up. They can’t, you know, perform in the ways that they want to. Yeah. And so every stroke, I would say every stroke is definitely counted in good measure are definitely cherished whether it’s being sexual or being, or, or having an intimacy moment for us. So we have, we built our, he causes a boom, boom, boom, boom.
3 (44m 4s):
That’s where we have like a full massage table with the room is strictly
2 (44m 10s):
Our
3 (44m 11s):
Pleasures. It’s, we’re, we’re massaging each other. We have oils. We have, we have all of these things. And generally that does and, and the happy ending.
2 (44m 41s):
I’m sorry, Annie. Your difference between intimacy and sex.
4 (44m 47s):
I, I believe that intimacy and Sex is
2 (44m 54s):
I believe
4 (44m 54s):
That go together. We wrote a book, be aware of the intimate, see snatcher. Of course we know what physical Sex is. And, but all of these areas get you to The place. Okay. So we talk about social intimacy, what we like, what we enjoy doing as a couple emotional intimacy, you know, give each other your undivided attention.
4 (45m 35s):
All of that is in part. And then it’s going to even take the physical Sex to a new place because of the fact that now I valued you. Totally. I value your thoughts. Like during the day he may call me two or three times a, we talk on the phone and we’ve been together 34 years. And it’s been like that from the beginning. You know, I recall my dad saying Warren was helping him roofing and he would call me. So they were in a country during this time, my dad was doing a roofing project and he was asking Warren the throw the, the shingles up.
4 (46m 21s):
And he said, he looked down the road and Warren was like a mile down the road trying to find a phone to call me. And so I equate that to the relationship we have built, you know, we enjoy each other’s company, whether we’re watching a movie going out to dinner. So that’s social. We enjoy that time together and emotional. He likes to hear me out. I like to hear him out without interrupting. And, and so that gives us a new height, you know, when we get to the physical aspect and then we can do like attorney home and say, we can go to it.
4 (47m 1s):
You know, we, we don’t have to work around anything because we have valued each other in every aspect. And so the temperature is already set. And so when it’s that time, we, we know each other, each other’s love language. And so I don’t wait for him. I don’t treat him as I would like him to treat me through my love language. I go to his love
2 (47m 30s):
Language. He likes physical touch, physical touch. Yeah. And so that’s a difference. I like quality time. I liked what’s the other one. Yeah. Doing that time. But quality time and, and just doing things at the drop of a hat, you know, bringing me flowers, coming in the house, washing the clothes vacuum and do whatever is needed. So that takes us to that place. Acts of service. That’s the one I was going to say, that’s mine. And so that takes us to the place.
2 (48m 11s):
You don’t have to beg me. You don’t have to knock on the door. You just come on in, come on in. So you have any, you have a book, you said you guys have a book that you wrote. We have interruption of intimate. What was it? We have written three books. The two of us, when the bow breaks journey from hurt your feelings.
2 (48m 51s):
And that talks about our past relationships and all of that transition. And now we’re feeling we’re in the process. And then we have where of the intimacy snacks, all of that areas. And he comes God from where we can’t have physical intimacy. Then what happens if we have no emotional intermixing, we don’t have social intimacy. We have nothing, but we can continue to go out and all these other areas.
2 (49m 33s):
Nice. Yeah. I gotta, I gotta get that book. One thing that I’m learning, because we’re like, we’re, we’re somewhere in the middle. Like I know the grant leaves, you guys are newlyweds and the Sally’s you guys have been married 30 plus years. 34 years. We’re in about year five. Yeah. So I’m not, well, we’re not exactly in the middle, but so we’re learning it because I’ve come from a background where Sex was, I don’t have a healthy sexual history. So for me, I try to separate the two so much that I think that that’s something that I think that a lot of married couples that might struggle with marrying the two, you know, marrying the two.
2 (50m 22s):
I think that that might be some of the clauses where one person, one of the, one of the spouses may come from a sexually or their, their background might have a lot of sexual dysfunction in it. I think that one of the things not to get too, we got psych, we got the, the psych people on, you got the therapist, the counselor is people on here. So this is not the Brantley. You can, you can tell me if I’m on to something, but I wonder if you know, the, the dysfunctional sexual history causes, there will be this way where this, this driving apart of sex and intimacy with people who have backgrounds like mine.
2 (51m 5s):
Because if I have to, T get too close together. I get nervous, like nervous. It’s I think it’s partly because to me, it’s like, I want to protect the intimacy. I don’t want it to have anything to do with sex. So I want to guard. And I think that’s one of the reasons why, when you mentioned that you have that book, I want it, I really want to read it because I know there’s something in there that I could learn to start to feel safer by having more intimacy involved in Sex. And I think that there’s probably somebody watching that probably have the same struggle in it, I think is rooted in that. Right. Right. Because for women we’re more emotional. So you can have whatever you want whenever you want, when you learn how to nurture my emotional and learn power and drabs, my love language,
4 (52m 2s):
You know, and I often we talked about it, even in the book early on, my husband would send me flowers, flowers, and flowers to my beauty salon because he thought that was my love language. And he would buy me a lot of diamonds and I love it. I love the diamonds and I love the roses. However, it wasn’t my love language. So can you imagine that kept him on the outside of intimacy and when he finally got it right, it’s the little things, you know, it, it is, it’s bringing me flowers home every now and then it’s coming in the house and I’m not worried about what’s for dinner, but babe, I’ll cook dinner.
4 (52m 43s):
I see clothes in the laundry room. I washed the clothes. Oh, I’m ready for that man, because he’s met my emotional needs. And so that takes our emotions, our physical intimacy to a new place. And we have to get here and it took years before we got there, because there was a separation as well. You know, you just want Sex no, it’s okay to need Sex, but it’s definitely okay to put them together because sex and intimacy, it goes hand in hand, but is there is different levels, you know, he’s a science guy, you know, I like, I like the shows with drama, dramatic stories and real stories of giving me a real story.
4 (53m 35s):
You know, I can’t understand all the science fiction stuff. However, because of the compromise and the com com credibility, I will, I will watch it with him is okay. And I enjoyed it and he does the same thing as well. And so now the TV is off and we’re ready to go to a new place because he wasn’t hogging the remote. He was allowing our relationship to build on a social intimacy.
0 (54m 12s):
Real Raw, With, Dr B is brought to you by the total relationship trainer, a Ministry of restoration Springs, interdenominational church, Hosea four, six says our people die for a lack of knowledge to that end, dr. B has written 24 and nationally published books on relationships, intimacy and theology. You can check out his library at Dr. T see brantley.com backslash bookstore. If you, or a loved one are in a difficult season in your life Marriage or personal situation, you can reach out to dr. B at area code (203) 753-7377 or via email at Dr.
0 (54m 58s):
B is real@gmail.com. That’s Dr B I S R E a l@gmail.com. Now back to your virtual relationship counselor, here is more of dr. B
1 (55m 14s):
And the book that I wrote, I’ll go with the God Married Married a couple of dogs shall have great Sex. I go to the origin of why church people, early Pentecostal people do not love Sex st. Augustine Thomas acquaintance deal with the church fathers that said, in essence, that Sex was only for procreation. That was it Sex was not for pleasure at all. Then during the Victorian era, which is where the British other British was in charge of most of the known world, there will Coles of Victorian colds. And the Victorian code said that a woman shouldn’t have any orgasm at all.
1 (55m 54s):
It was sinful, it was wrong for a woman to, it had pleasure. And so out of that came the Methodist, which is our John and Charles Wesley. We started the holiness movement. And so they brought that mentality into it. John Wesley’s Marriage only Marriage ended up in a horrible divorce. So there was a mentality of negative toward Marriage all of a Sex. So then when Azusa came in 18 five to California, that birth, the modern Pentecostal movement, they had that same mind frame. And so back to attorney’s point is that every time the preacher talked about sex from the pulpit, he said it was sent, it was saying it was sin.
1 (56m 39s):
And so when people got married, they have that mentality that is still sin. I cannot tell you how many couples who I counsel, who their, their Christians, but they are afraid of Sex. They are afraid of the filings, declutter, a fleet of the breasts I can go on and on and on. And so it’s really breaking down those barriers. So, so I have a feeling our next webinar will be totally on Sex and y’all be ready for that, but that will be a zoom, because that will be probably a zoom that I will put out towards Facebook. But two attorneys, a question that’s why in the church, the Pentecostal is especially why it’s such a taboo, that couples are not supposed to invite Sex.
1 (57m 27s):
But my mentality is, if you can holler at church, you’re gonna hollow at home. Yes, Terry.
6 (57m 41s):
Yeah. It’s, you know, I think one of the words that I heard that that is very important. It is his love language. You know, my, my wife, I think, is, is unique because when, you know, when she says Sex is Sex, you know, let’s just have sex that’s, you know, that’s, you know, that’s just it. And, you know, and, and his heart, his heart is hard because, you know, it was like, what do you do with that? You know, when we talk about love language, and I’ll talk a lot of trash, you know, like I I’ll talk a lot of, a lot of tracks a lot.
6 (58m 37s):
And so one of the things I guess I can appreciate is that, you know, when she says, you know, whatever, whenever that’s what it is, you know, is whatever, whenever, however, you know, and, and wherever, I think the challenge comes in with the, you know, with the intimacy part, which speaks to love language, you know, I think Annie mentioned that Warren likes to touch the affection, and that’s kind of how I am, you know, so you really have to, you really have to kind parallel the two and, and, and kind of understand one another to take, to take out the frustration.
6 (59m 22s):
You know, if I were 20 years old or 30 years old, and, you know, you were saying, Hey, Sex, that’s just assets. Cool. Let’s go, you get with the more you want to feel, what do you want to feel? You know what I mean? And so it’s almost like the sexist is important, but it’s almost like if it’s not as important as the affection, I think the older you get, the more, you just want to be compatible with somebody and know that you can like live together and, and be at peace. And, and, and that we have, cause we don’t really argue a lot.
6 (1h 0m 3s):
It’s like when it’s good, it’s great. And when it’s bad as hell, you know what the, what the good certainly outweighs all of that. So I think there’s a, there’s a, I think they are, they are related. But I think that, you know, the enemy has done a good job of airing down. What should it be pleasurable? You know, I think he does that early on in, in some people’s lives where it becomes a challenge.
2 (1h 0m 33s):
I’m glad you said that. Can I talk about the thing? I’m not going to be specific, but there’s a certain thing that he likes to do to me, but it’s the very thing that was done to me when I was a very small, well, when I say small child until about four or five years old. And so it’s that thing that he loves to do it for me. So not, it’s not what y’all think I’m now paint a picture is not what y’all think, but it is a certain thing he likes to do. And, but it brings back all in. So the enemy has done a great job, but you know, we got some form, you know, we, we don’t even better job at combat in it, cause it is got exposed and now we know what to do.
2 (1h 1m 18s):
But I think what we did was way back when, when he planted a seed that he knew, okay, look, years later, I’m going to marry this wonderful man. And I’m going to make sure that he does that, that there’s going to be this barrier. You know, this is something there that will cause you not to be able to come all the way together or enjoy each other into the loneliness. And, and that’s just one small example, but I think that that’s just like one of the ways that he works in Marriage is planting those seeds early on, sabotage, you know, planting little seeds of sabotage early on so that it interferes with the intimacy.
2 (1h 2m 1s):
But I I’m just so grateful that we recognize that we caught it. So now it’s just a matter of, okay, now we all combat this and, and, and
6 (1h 2m 12s):
Yeah, I think we, you know, intimacy again and, and my wife has, it is right. Intimacy, I think is different for, for different people. You know, what, what works? One is one of the things that you, one of the things that guys make the mistake of learning, if you’ve been in a previous relationship, like you think that what works for one woman is going to work for all. And that is like, that couldn’t be further from the truth. And so you really have to learn what speaks to the Others heart, what speaks to what turns the temperature on what, you know, what gets down to relax and, and all those different things for me, like I said, you know, I, I liked the affirmation.
6 (1h 2m 57s):
I liked the touch, you know, I liked the conversations and, and I like to take conversations, you know, way off topic, you know, onto another planet. And then talk about a Bible verse again, you know, and go way off topic. You know what I mean? And then at the end of that, you know, when it’s time, Hey, let’s come together. You know, act like you, you know, like I want you to walk me, you know? So that’s, that’s been our kind of, that’s where we’re growing. You know, where for, for my wife is, Hey, you, you want it, come get it. And I’m like, wait a minute. Like, do you want me? I’m not, you know, and, and so it’s like, it, it doesn’t matter just come get it.
6 (1h 3m 40s):
And I’m like, well, I want you to walk me first. And so he had this back and forth man for, for a while, and we’re still, we’re still on that road, but I think the blessing, you know, and, and I, and I kind of wish I was younger now is that, Hey, if you want to, this is just take it easy.
1 (1h 4m 2s):
We are definitely going to bring this topic back in December and we’ll have all three all back again with difficult, talk about sex and sex and sex, because as a sex and intimacy and affection, cause as a, as a, as a Sex, Coach, I’m also a, a Sex Coach we see this ebb and flow and a, it really depends on the individual. And, and it is a attorney said it is your background. And if there was any sexual abuse, if there is any type of not being into the relationship, it would mess you up.
1 (1h 4m 44s):
You know, the fowl is, is not just for the Medina, but the fowl is also into the mind of the woman as well in the mind of the man. So it, it, it, it sometimes yes, it is. It Sex, and sometimes it is taking a sweet, beautiful time and acknowledging what the law has wrought. And is it really taking your time with it? Because really as a 55 year old man with a much younger wife, well, while you’re young and it means jesus’ name, amen. Anyway, it is really understanding that, you know, what does it ebb and flow? It is really from my mind is very simple as a man gets older.
1 (1h 5m 27s):
Yes, the, the, the, the, the, the body doesn’t work as fast. So that’s why a man who is older now. So some men broke slow in it, and it popping pills. I ain’t doing that. Jesus amen. But, but it’s really taking your time to understand what does my spouse needs and get to that point, because a lot of times, a couples of night care for they will emotionally raped or abused their spouse. That goes both ways. So, so this is a deep topic that we will definitely cover in December. That will be our Christmas gift.
3 (1h 5m 59s):
I think that, I think also attorney Holmes mentioned something. So potent was like going back into the past of the person to really understand who you have in front to make sure you know, that you can meet the needs of that person. I’m really, I’m really grateful that you brought that out and it was very brave of you to do that. So that’s very appreciative because someone needed to hear that, you know, there is, there is those blocks sometimes, and, you know, the guy is like, or the woman is like, I’m attracted, but we can’t get past this wall.
3 (1h 6m 39s):
What is that wall? You know, it could be something stemming from, from the past. Thank you. Thank you for bringing that up.
1 (1h 6m 49s):
We will definitely cover this up. So let’s, let’s wrap things up. We’ll have to get off by seven 15. I have another engagement. So, so Warren, Annie, your comments then attorney and apostle, and then we’ll end up there. All right. All right, Warren. And
5 (1h 7m 4s):
Yes, this, this has been so awesome. Great. And I think offering it free for everyone here on this panel, and then I tell you, it’s, it’s been, and having everyone in it and, and presenting this because this is so much needed because it is. And even I’m even learning even the more, and even as long as we have been married, been together, we’re still learning each other. And, and I believe if, you know, you have to continue to learn your spouse and the learning of their needs change from year to year, from time to time. And as, as, as Bishop said, you know, as we get older, things are priorities and things change.
5 (1h 7m 52s):
So having this, this types of conversations can help even. It helps me, it, it, it really does to learn and to be more of a intimacy guy and not just Sex. Absolutely. And
3 (1h 8m 11s):
Then I, I think Portia mentioned the fact
5 (1h 8m 14s):
That, you know, we,
2 (1h 8m 16s):
We develop from our parents and our community growing and growing up. I didn’t see my parents were both in the home, but I didn’t see a lot of touching and kissing and that type of thing in my home or with my family members, therefore I created my own concept of what sex was and it’s, you know, it was something not to speak of, you know, something you do, but you don’t speak about it.
2 (1h 8m 57s):
You know, I don’t remember having that conversation with my mom. Of course, she protected us and she told us different things. However, it wasn’t an open conversation how important sex is. And a lot of people are in second and third marriages because of the fact you, you got into a Marriage and you didn’t understand the need of your spouse. It’s not only men that are more physical and, you know, need Sex more, it goes both ways. It, it depends on the bishops. It depends on the individual, you know, so I didn’t look at him in the way I did my ex-husband.
2 (1h 9m 42s):
I had to find out what this man needed, and it was quite different. However, I had to get to a place to understand what he needed from me and to work every day to meet those needs.
10 (1h 9m 59s):
All right. All right. A apostle and a attorney, your closing remarks.
2 (1h 10m 7s):
I just, I really appreciate discussions like this, you know, especially well-rounded discussions where we touched on different topics and, you know, will be able to speak on different aspects of Marriage. So, you know, I appreciate that. And I think that more people need to pay attention to discussions like this, or be engaged in discussions like this, because it’s not talked about too much in the church, unfortunately Marriage overall. Yeah. And generally speaking, it’s touched on, but issues concerning Sex unfortunately, similar to what Annie was just sharing about the environment that she was raised in. You know, I was in a similar environment like that, where, you know, we weren’t touchy feely in the house, but there wasn’t a lot of sections shown there.
2 (1h 10m 50s):
Weren’t a lot of words, subtle affection, even though we knew we all loved each other, it just wasn’t expressed. And that wasn’t our norm. So, and then when you get it to the church and that’s not the norm either, you know, it’s like brother, sister so-and-so and, you know, we love each other with the level of price and all that stuff. But the intimate details of Marriage are often not discussed. And
6 (1h 11m 15s):
I know far too many people who were forced into marriages because of standards that they would try to fold in the church and their marriage has just fell apart over the anyway. So I just think like, things like this need to happen more often. And so Bishop, I just, I thank you. And I, I just appreciate that you were like going against the grain and I got to get that book where you go into the history of, you know, the church and how, how Sex has dealt with, I think this is just a phenomenal topic and I, I appreciate you having us. Darnay a puzzle while I didn’t just echo everyone’s sentiments because, you know, we, we, we definitely need to talk about it more.
6 (1h 11m 58s):
There there’s so much, you know, there’s so much that has to be brought to the surface. Do you can, you can, you can have great Sex and, and all those different things. And, and what, there still can be components that both are unaware of, you know, or that you, you, you, you don’t know about it until you hit a strike a point, and then you talk about it. It’s never brought to the surface. You know, it can be very challenging. And I think a more challenging issue is when you, when you get married later on in life, and you’ve been through different things in different relationships, because you bring in certain expectations.
6 (1h 12m 40s):
So this discussion is, is, is great. And, and I think it is definitely needed. People need to know that, you know, that in my opinion, you know, between the two Matt Married people, there, there should be no boundaries, you know, between, you know, between the two and none of us will be no boundaries, but I appreciate the well-rounded discussion. I think there are so many things that the church needs to get into and discuss, you know, that will help to bring things to light. So, so it can be dealt with, you know, and so people can be healed and beautiful, my lovely wife.
6 (1h 13m 23s):
And Nicole’s
3 (1h 13m 25s):
Just thank everyone that has logged and to watch either on whatever platform you’re on. And thank each of you for, for logging in logging in and watching as well on Facebook, whether you have, or watching the recorded and, or the live, and as well to counselors and pastors, Warren, and to any Sally, thank you so much for always being the such good friends of ours in this capacity. And we really appreciate you. And for those of you who don’t know apostle teary, this is the guy that did our phenomenal wedding.
3 (1h 14m 14s):
It is very, very amazing. We have, I guess I could say that we had counseling sessions with apostle Terry and attorney homes, and they are just phenomenal. They are a stamped part in my heart, even though we don’t talk to each other very often. I love you guys dearly. And just thank, thank everyone for being a part of this amazing conversation and panel, I think is something that will definitely continue to do and to my husband as well for always taking the time to, to be who you are, not just with myself, but to the community and to, you know, our children and just to everyone that you’ve placed as me, a part of you and then for you to easily be so gravitating to those that I put in your path as well.
3 (1h 15m 16s):
So just thank you. Thank you. Welcome
1 (1h 15m 19s):
All glory to God people. So
3 (1h 15m 33s):
I don’t remember that part,
1 (1h 15m 39s):
Andy and Paso and turn to your kids.
3 (1h 15m 43s):
Okay. Well, we will
1 (1h 15m 55s):
Let me synchronize our, watch it right now and how does want do it right now? How does December 19th look, that looked good for y’all. I know, I know it’s still alive, but let people know, but 19 are y’all in town or everybody’s available for that, that time.
3 (1h 16m 15s):
Yes, we’re good.
1 (1h 16m 17s):
All right. Let’s apostle attorney. You all available. Okay.
3 (1h 16m 26s):
Yeah, yeah,
1 (1h 16m 29s):
Yeah. Okay. Okay. All right. So December 19th, we’ll coming back and our major topic will be intimacy. And Sex what we’ll talk about. That I’ll go definitely deeper into the history and why Pentecostal churches especially have this, this taboo about intimacy and sex, and it will deal with that. And we’ll, we’ll talk about sexual abuse. We’ll talk about intimacy. We’re talking about, you know, the, anytime you see your mate, you gotta make sure you’re seeing your mate and not the other people that you’ve been with. And also soul ties, just stuff like that will cover that on the 19th. All right.
1 (1h 17m 9s):
Also kind of
3 (1h 17m 10s):
What we call it, coaching exiles, which is what attorney Holmes kind of mentioned that, that, that, that part that went back so many years. Sure. Maybe we can talk a little bit about that and freeing and, and, and maybe how they even got just like their testimony, you know? All right. So, so let’s plan for two hours on the, on the 19th will start six o’clock from six to eight, and we’ll talk about it and we’ll deal with it. Okay. People will do that will work. All right. People, God bless all those who washed us. God bless you. Please share it with other people, share it, share it with other people and comment, be sure to comment.
3 (1h 17m 52s):
And so that we can correspond with you guys as well. So a lot of times we can’t see all of the comments because of the way that we log in. But by any means, please let us know where your commenting from and where you’re listening from. And we would be grateful any one of us to correspond with each and every copy of our people until December 19th at 6:00 PM. Till next time I bless you.
0 (1h 18m 23s):
Thank you for tuning into Real Raw With Dr B this show is a product of the total relationship trainer, a Ministry of restoration Springs into denominational church. If you have any questions, comments, or topics to be discussed contact at dr. B is real@gmail.com. If you’d like to hear this show again, you can go to the Real Raw With Dr beat Facebook page. If you are being led to give and want to partner with us, donations are accepted via cash app at dollar sign RSIC 1997. We also accept donations via PayPal at new rest, one twenty@yahoo.com for donations of $25 or more, we will send you an autographed copy of one of his books.
0 (1h 19m 10s):
For more information about dr. B, you can check him out@drtcbrantley.com or on Twitter at Coach TC Brantley and on Instagram at Dr Brantley PhD until next time be encouraged and to God be the glory.
