Transcript How to Deal with Adult Kids

How to Deal with Adult Kids

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Welcome to real raw with dr. B, this nationally published author and pastor has made it his life’s work to helping people strengthen their relationship with God themselves and each other with 25 years as a licensed counselor, coupled with his own life experiences with the ups and downs of married and single life. It’s like having a counseling session right in your own home. So without any further ado, it’s time for real roar with dr. B.

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Oh

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My goodness. Yeah. This is dr. B Robert, dr. B, we here trying to give you words of wisdom about relationships dealing with yourself, God and others. Because when you understand the dynamics of relationship, you understand it’s a domino effect. I’m teaching already. I’m sorry, counseling as a domino effect. Okay. Okay. It it’s a it’s, it’s a domino effect.

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What it, understanding how you deal with one relationship, you deal with another one. So, so, so, so it just rolls down. It rolls down to all the people. So the topic for the day, and this is one I can really talk about, get up all this stuff, because it’s not just my clinical training is also just stuff I learned the hard way. How do you deal with adult kids? Ooh, Lord. Now this is a very re topic because I didn’t see anything about it.

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Devin, didn’t get a sermon on it. So dealing with adult kids is very, is very powerful. Okay. So I’m gonna come from the parents side that I’m gonna come from the kid’s side. All right. So I’m doing the parents side. Cause believe it or not people, I used to be a kid. I know you don’t believe that old man river you’re by gray. I used to be a kid, but I’m gonna come from the parent’s side. And then I’m gonna come from your kids who are adult now.

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And I’m really speaking about that age range from 15 to 20. Okay. That, that, that, that, that, that, that now I know 15, 16, 17, 18. You can still look at them as your kids, but I’m telling you if you don’t stop the process early. Okay. I’m trying to help you. If you don’t stop that process early, I’ll stay there one more time. Okay. If you don’t start that process early. Okay. If you don’t start that process early is going to overwhelm you.

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Why? It overwhelmed me like a wave. Okay. As a parent, I’m not used to this thing. Well, well, not that thing, but out, coming out a baby and then 18 years later, it’s alive. It’s grown. I can not remember. I, my son is 30. I remember to this day, when he was born and I came home, I fell out on the bed and I woke up and I said, I’m a father.

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I don’t know why I didn’t hit me. When he came out of, you know, his, his mother’s womb, but it hit me. Wow. I am a father. And so the problem parents is that we stay stuck in that mind frame, but we’re not careful that we stay stuck, that they are a what? Our child, their baby. Okay. Without the brain becomes frozen.

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Okay. Because frozen, okay. It becomes frozen. Like this is a child. Yes. It’s a child. But we want to, by God, we want the child to grow. Right. We want the child to mature. We want the child to get better. Right. But a lot of times we stay frozen in that mind frame as parents, we will, we don’t want them to get bigger. We don’t want them to learn how to drive what drive chain is pamper. Yeah. But now he’s going to the kitchen, eating up your food.

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So things have changed. Okay. He or she, you know, doing grownup things, especially, you know, your daughter, she’s a, she’s maturing. We’ll get as a good word. She, she she’s, she’s maturing. She is becoming an adult female. And you’re not wait a minute. You know, used to be able to hug your, your, your, your daughter, you know, real, real, tied to now.

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Things are growing that way. I can’t hug her like that because she’s growing. And so we become frozen. We, we, we become stuck in that place. We become just understanding that you got to, okay, now here’s the point, parents. Okay. You got to evolve. Okay. You got to evolve. You, you got to change.

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You know, just like, you know, remember your child came out and then as they grow, you know, you go to different Heights and in different Heights and different Heights and you Mark the different Heights. Well, as they grow, okay, now here’s the key. Here’s the key. Here’s I don’t understand. Okay. As they grow, you gotta

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Loosen the strings. Okay?

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Yeah. You have to. Okay. Okay. Okay. Watch this counseling. Now you have to loosen the strings as they get older. Why? Because if you don’t loosen the strings, what happens? EAP? You know, you’re gonna do you’re strangling them. Okay. I strangled my kids. Not physically. I’m the want to do, but you strangle their wife because you haven’t loosened the strings. They’re getting older. Okay. And can I say something you ain’t gonna, like, I’m gonna say something you’re gonna like, if you are not losing strange, because you afraid of them, that’s a good sign.

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You didn’t train them. Well, That’s a good sign. Or they didn’t like that one. That is a good sign. If you got the same strangle, hold on. Your kids that they did, that they were at two or three or five or 10 years old. And now they’re 15. And you’ve got that same struggle again. They don’t teach it. That’s why I wrote the book. That should not be full time parents. All right. Because again, when you are so full time, you’re not letting them grow. You are actually parent.

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Okay. You are actually stifling. You are hindering.

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Yeah.

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Okay. You were actually hindering their growth. Okay. You’re actually hindering what’s happening in their lives. You are keeping them stuck. You are keeping them in that moment. You are keeping them in that place. And when you keep them in that place, they cannot and will not grow. They cannot mature to the next level. They cannot be who they need to be. Y B O

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Parents got to take the Binky out the pacifier.

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How would you get 12 years old? And you put in what? Nemo, wait a minute. Your kid got a mustache. Really, really see, you’re not letting them grow again.

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What I did wrong, I stifled my kids. I didn’t recognize I didn’t evolve with them. I didn’t grow with them. Okay. Because again, I kept the mental Binky in the mouth. I kept the mental in their mouth. And what does that do? Nothing good at all. Okay. You gotta move from that. People, you, your, your, your, your parents, you got to move from that. Especially if you are in a point where you are divorced now and your kids are growing up.

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Okay. Especially on that point, especially on the, on that point, you got to move. You got to evolve because if you do not evolve, you’re going to hinder their growth. Alright, we’ll come back with segment number,

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Number two, real raw with dr. B is brought to you by the total relationship trainer, a ministry of restoration Springs into denominational church. Hosea four, six says our people die for a lack of knowledge to that end, dr. B has written 24 nationally published books on relationships, intimacy and theology. You can check out his library at dr. T C brentley.com.

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Backslash bookstore. If you or a loved one are in a difficult season in your life, marriage or personal situation, you can reach out to dr. B at area code (203) 753-7377 or via email at dr. B is real@gmail.com. That’s D R B I S R E a l@gmail.com. Now back to your virtual relationship counselor, here’s more of dr.

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B,

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Hey, we’re back. We are doing what God has given us to do. And, and I just, I just know in my spirit, we’re helping somebody. I just know in my spirit, we are encouraging somebody as they try to become better, parents become better individuals. So the first segment was dealing with parents. Second segment, you grown kids you’re ever going to deal with John. Okay. Now you heard my first segment, right?

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So the second segment, you know, is really understanding. Mom and dad are adjusting. Okay? Okay. You gotta understand a growing child who was in a teenage years. Your mom and dad are constantly bombarded. Okay. Back up. Can we back up real quick? Okay. Can you thank God for a parent? Who’s concerned. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Can we back up and thank God for a parent who does care?

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Now, I know you hanging around kids, I’m sorry. Around teenagers. <inaudible> teenagers. And those becoming adults. You’re hanging around teenagers who are parents who don’t give a rip. I said, rip, they did that. They don’t even care about your friend. They don’t even care about how long they stay up. You know why? Because they are still kids themselves. Do you know how many parents are really kids?

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Cause they haven’t grown up themselves. That’s why they are treating your friend as if they wanted their kids. That’s why they smoking with them. Why is it? Why is the parent smoking marijuana with your child? What are you doing that? Getting high with your child. Really? Really? Mom. You’re dressing. Just like your teenage daughter. Really? Really? I know you got all the hips. Okay? Okay. Let it go. I’m talking about the kids now. All right. So again, can you thank God for a mom and dad who concerned about you?

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Okay. Every day they are bombarded with the things they’ve done wrong. Okay? Okay. Okay. Okay. You don’t know this child again, mom and dad, please share it with your child. You don’t understand. They are afraid. I’m not only, not only hear me, not only of the mistakes they made, but they’re also afraid of the generational. What curses in the family.

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So they are afraid of the mistakes they’ve made with you. How messed up they have. They may have made you that’s number one, number two, they are afraid of the generational curses that are in the family. You know that uncle Bob, that’s a drunk, you know, Maybelline that has a filthy mouth. You know your other, you know, aunts and uncles who are jacked up, your parents are afraid that you may take on that experience.

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Or maybe when, maybe when you were born a teenager, your parents were jacked up. Maybe they were on drugs. Maybe they were in prison. And so they are afraid of the mistakes and the curses that are in the family. That may jump on you. So that’s why they’re so concerned. That’s why that is hard for them to trust you. All right. So hear me now, I’m going to give you a big secret young people and helping your kid to helping your parents deal with you.

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Tell me you’re ready. You ready? Okay. When you can understand consequences, when you can understand consequences, guess what? Mom and dad now are understanding you becoming an adult. See, see, here’s the problem. Young people. You want to be treated like a child. I mean like an adult, but you don’t want to deal with the consequences. Can I say that again? I will. You, you, you want to be treated like an adult, you know, come on when you want to come home, but you don’t know the consequences, for example.

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So you wreck somebody’s car. You want mom and dad to pay for it. Now, if you’re an adult, guess who pays for it, the adult pays for it. You do something out of turn and you turn around for mom and dad to fix it. So that’s the problem. So when you, as a, as a teenager going on an adult, when you can understand consequences, then mom and dad can let go more. Right? Because they understand, all right, there are ramifications, right? There are ramifications.

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Okay?

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Okay. There are ramifications. Now that you are understanding, there are ramifications that you now see that you didn’t see before. See, hear me. If mom and dad have to keep reminding you, Okay. If I have to keep reminding you,

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Okay? Okay.

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If I have to keep reminding you of your consequences, then it makes them feel. You’re not ready to understand what the real world is about. Okay? So when you can understand consequences and again, I know you hate this word cause your parents probably use it a lot, but it’s a good word when you are, when you come and chore.

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Okay?

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Okay. I can tell you, I thank God for my parents who stepped into my life because you know, I was about to do something really stupid stuff. And right now a young lady, young man, you don’t see how this person who you dealing with. They’re not going anywhere. Okay? Why share? You’re hanging around people who will all raise their vampires.

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That was a vampire look. Okay. The vampires.

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In other words, they’ll always are trying to get stuff from you. Okay? And your parents are telling you that, but you don’t see it. And yet you turn around and ask mom and dad for more mom for more money or whatever, your friend just wrecked your car. Okay? Your mom and dad just worked hard for that car. Right? Your friend wrecked your car and your friend is not even thinking about paying for it. Okay? Your, your, your, your, your, your, you just got caught with drugs. And guess what?

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It wasn’t your drugs. It was the drugs that your friend and your friend don’t even want to take up for it. Am I happy to understand? That’s a vampire. Let me start with the, with the frame. Look okay. That’s sucking the life out of you and you want to write mom and dad is so concerned because they see what you don’t see now, again, as a teenager to adult, when you can see how people are using you, then mom and dad can back off because you’re seeing what’s going on. But if you don’t see it, they’re always using your car.

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They’re always using your money. They never ain’t got nothing. I know that wasn’t I know that was bad English, but you know, whatever they did that, they never ain’t got nothing. I know I said it twice, but didn’t leave me alone. Leave me alone. All right. They ain’t got nothing. And yet every time you get some money, headache, come here. They come. Now again. They now, now I just heard somebody out there. I heard you. I heard you.

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I heard you right now. Some teenagers. You are the parent. I heard you. I heard you think I heard, I heard you. I heard you. Your mom was an alcoholic. Your dad’s on drugs. So you had to grow up and you mad about that. I’m talking to so I’m, I’m, I’m I’m mom, dad. You know why your kids can’t listen to you?

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Can I say it? You ain’t got your stuff together. Hey, I go eat meat. I go eat. You want me to go off? How sorry, let me use my counseling voice. How can you tell your kids to get their act together? And y’all, ain’t acting together. I need some young person say amen. Real quick. Okay. Mom and dad, how can you correct your child? When you are out of pocket, how can you guide your child to a better place when you are in a terrible place?

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How can you do that? You can’t do that. You can’t consistently do that and then expect them to listen to you. All right? So, so, so young people, I heard you, I hear you loud and clear. Mom and dad are saying one thing, alright, saying one thing and doing something totally. What different?

1 (19m 53s):
I never get counseling. He came in and he was, he was mad at his child because the child was doing drugs. So I was, you know, I was trying to teach the child, you know, the importance of the teenager, the importance of not taking drugs and no one, no, the child told me counselor. I said, sure. I have a question. I said, well, what, what’s your question? Dad gets my weed.

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He said, well, where my dad weed is low. He comes to me. So none of the words as the parent has made the child, the supplier going to work, that that is not going. That is not going to her. So again, a teenager who becoming an adult, I understand your perspective. Okay. I understand your, okay.

1 (20m 59s):
Okay. I understand your view. Okay. I understand where you’re coming from. So, so, so parents who are listening to me, please, if you correct your child, just make sure you’re doing it because you’re not doing it. They’re looking at you sideways. Did they do that? Well, why don’t my kid? Listen to me because you ain’t doing what you’re saying. That’s why. So, so young people, I hear you loud and clear. You, you, you want to spread your wings. You want to do things, right?

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But again, when you are spreading your ring, your wings around ducks and your parents know your ego, they’re going to put a latch on you. All right, we’re coming back with segment. Number

0 (21m 42s):
Three, dr. B has chosen to devote his life, to saving the institution of marriage in his book, successful marriages for successful men. He gives them the knowledge to be relationship ready.

3 (21m 55s):
My ignorance in my first marriage was definitely Charlotte. And I learned the hard way. And that’s one of the reasons why I, I write so many books on relationships because no one taught me. And I learned the hard way. And it is my heart to help men, especially not learn the hard way. So this is successful. Marriage is for successful. Many guaranteed. I guarantee of this will improve. Your relationship.

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Purchases can be made at the bookstore at dr. TC brentley.com. And they can also be purchased@amazonandbarnesandnoble.com. And now here’s more of dr. V Hey

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Back. Thank you for coming back. We’re talking about dealing with adult kids. Segment one. I dealt with the parents perspective, segment two, I dealt with the teenager adult child perspective. Point number three, I’m just going to have a, a collage here. So parent, one thing that you have to do is that you have to trust

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Your parenting.

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Okay? You have to trust what you place inside that child. Okay? You have to trust that what you gave them is going to help them. Because again, now, as a, as a pastor and as a Christian, you got to put them in prayer. I hate to say this, but you know, as a parent, I pray for my children more when they were now, they are adults first.

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When the kids I’m gonna tell you why, when your kids are small, they’re more secure in your mind. Right. But as they venture out, as they become older, now you don’t see them as much. Alright. So you’re afraid you, you you’re you’re you’re you’re, you’re, you’re overly concerned now. Alright, because again, you don’t see what’s going on. You don’t see what’s happening behind the scenes. And so you, you become more anxious, right?

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Come on, mom. Come on down. Let’s be honest. Okay. So your anxiety raises,

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Okay.

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One thing that I’ve learned to do, and I’m still learning, my kids are 30 and 27. When I’m trying to do the best of my ability. I’m just trying to be there. Okay? Okay. You can’t force yourself because they are adults now. Okay. You’re trying to force your child, right? You’re trying to force your child to get it. You’re trying to force them to see the error of their ways. Okay?

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Forcing them and Gary, again, this is about the evolution. All right. You forcing them. They ain’t gonna work. Okay. You’re trying to force them to get it. Okay. You’re trying to force them to see something. When they aren’t an adult, especially with an adult, you forcing them. It was going to do, it’s going to push them from you.

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Okay?

1 (25m 27s):
It’s going to push them. It’s going to push them away from you. That is not good. That is not healthy because you’re pushing them away. You are telling them in so many words, you’re not good enough. Dah, dah, dah, dah. And that’s just putting them in a very bad predicament because now guess what? Guess what mom and dad, they’re not seeing your love anymore. Okay? They’re seeing your demand.

1 (25m 59s):
Okay? They’re not seeing your love anymore. They’re not seeing your love, your concern that is seeing your demand. Now, I will tell you that, you know, if your child is taking money from you and they are still doing on drugs, please do not enable them. Okay? Do not enable them. Do not repeat my, what I’m saying, do not enable your kids do not enable them. In other words, you know, they’re doing wrong.

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You know, they’re spending the money. You given them in a very bad state and you are in a very bad point. You know, they are doing things that are not conducive to them being good citizens of this world. So you are, you’re still feeding them. And you know, they taking that to a wrong place. No, you have to stop that bad behavior. You cannot continue that bad behavior because that bad behavior is going to keep them in that bad place. So again, mom and dad, don’t demand. Show them love. Now, now, now here’s what I do.

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Okay. I’m sorry. Here’s what I learned to do.

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Speak and trust God. So you can do

1 (27m 17s):
Right. You know, you know, my daughter does something. I don’t like my son, something I don’t, like I say to them, not, not too much that daddy doesn’t like, all right. Because as soon as I say that, that may take the Hemi parents. Aren’t trying to give you wisdom. That may take it the wrong way. You said it. Can. I suggest to you, okay. When your kids are an adult, okay. You really give them suggestions. Okay. You’re really giving them suggestions because they’re not the follow you now.

1 (27m 50s):
Oh boy, here I go. If they’re living in the same house, we got a little problem there. A teenager, a grown, a grown child. You and your parents house. Little bit of problem there because you still never, are you still in the house? He ain’t paying the rent either.

1 (28m 20s):
Oh yeah. Who saw that? May cause problems. Because again, a teenager or an adult child, you know, you want to be treated like an adult, but you are still in the parents’ house and you ain’t paying no rent. You ain’t doing nothing. And the parent allowing that, well, indirectly EAP, they don’t like this. And the regularly, they’re still treating you like a, what?

1 (28m 53s):
It’s like a job. Ain’t nothing changed as it. You staying rent-free you’re not doing any main responsibilities. You go, when you come, when you want to go, let me, so teacher the job. And so now you don’t like that ECAR. So of course you don’t like that. So it’s really changing. It’s really changing the, what? The narrative. Okay. When you’re able to change the narrative in the parent and child point, you become stronger when you’re able to change the narrative.

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Now, again, again, I love, well, I always love my kids, but you know, this time is, it’s so powerful. My daughter lives in New York. So my son lives here in Connecticut. And last Saturday we just took about an hour, hour walk. Okay. If we just walked local trail, ain’t none. You’ve been to where I went. That was so nosy. But we did a trail together.

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And you know, we just talked about life. We talked about girls. Yeah. I still talk about girls. Yeah, I got one. I got a good one. How are you doing sweetheart portion? How you doing? Yeah. See, I put that barrier. Very white voice on anyway, you know, we, we just talked, you know why? Because now when I’m doing, I’m building parent relationship.

1 (30m 32s):
Okay. Why I’m building relationships. Okay. Now y’all, didn’t expect this, but I’m but, but, but I gotta be honest. I’m going, gonna be here forever, Right parent. Right. I, our job, to be honest, you know, our job is as parents, our job is to prepare our kids for me, not here anymore. See, I didn’t recognize that when my kids were small, but that’s really what a good parenting job is, is to help my child survive or do well after I’m gone.

1 (31m 9s):
Okay. You know how many parents have not helped their kids not prepared? That’s a good word, right? You haven’t prepared your kids for life. As a parent, I would have done many things differently. Oh my, I would have done so many things differently, but I didn’t know. That’s why this show is so important. You know why? Because I’m giving back when no one gave me, I wish someone had taught me how to raise children.

1 (31m 45s):
You know, matter of fact, every pediatrician, I’m gonna say this real quick, every pediatrician should have a marriage counselor on staff. Hi, I’m dr. B. I’m a marriage counselor. Why? Because it’s not that okay. Pediatrician. Yes. You’re helping the, the, the, the, the, the mom and dad to get used to the child. Okay. But it has to go further than that. Okay. Because now that child, those parents have become audit.

1 (32m 16s):
Listen, you become automatic parents. Isn’t it funny? You gotta get a license

2 (32m 26s):
Car

1 (32m 30s):
Licensed to practice certain occupations, no license for being a parent. There’s no training that people get when being a parent. That’s why I am. So I’m passionate about what I’m doing on this podcast, because I’m trying to give back, I’m trying to give words of wisdom, especially in the minority community. Okay. I’m trying to give back words of wisdom that wasn’t given to me.

1 (33m 4s):
And when you understand the dynamics of what we’re trying to teach here, what we’re trying to do here, you will become a better person. And some of you are struggling and being Kimmy. I’m almost done here. Some of you are struggling, right. You know, you’re struggling. I’m sorry. I have to think and write at the same time. Okay? Some of you are struggling. You know, you’re struggling because your parents struggle with you. Your parents struggle with you. So because your parents struggle with you, you are struggling as well.

1 (33m 35s):
You will dealing with issues as well. So again, it’s becoming deeper and, and really, you know, down the road, but we’ll cover this down the road. You know, the cold parenting, that’s a whole nother subject. Co-parent is a whole nother subject. Now, thank God. When I got my divorce, my kids were grown, but you know, you know, if you’re not with the mother, not with the father, co-parenting is a whole nother issue.

1 (34m 6s):
And we’ll definitely cover that. But again, let me say it real quick. When you call parenting, I’ll say it, it was union that brought those children here. So it was going to take what union to parent them to do it. To some perspective, you got to have some type of union to December respect. You gotta have some type of connection with that other person. Cause you don’t eventually is going to destroy what you have.

1 (34m 38s):
So hopefully what says something today, not too many jokes a day, cause this is a very serious point. Because again, you know, the adults and dealing with adult kids, a lot of people don’t talk about it because again, people just, you know what? You just go as you go. No, hopefully you found some nuggets that I gave you today to help you. So hopefully you a blessed and EDP executive producers need more information about what I do pray about being a partner here at railroad with dr.

1 (35m 14s):
B as we expand to go out and reach people in wisdom. Again, it’s understanding relationship with yourself, with God and with others. God bless you until next time, you know, about to say right? Say with me peace, thank you for tuning into real row with dr. B, this show is a product of the total relationship trainer,

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A ministry of restoration Springs into denominational church. If you have any questions, comments, or topics to be discussed contact at dr. B is real@gmail.com. If you’d like to hear this show again, you can go to the real world with dr. B Facebook page. If you are being led to give and want to partner with us, donations are accepted via cash app at dollar sign RSIC 1997. We also accept donations via PayPal at new rest, one twenty@yahoo.com for donations of $25 or more, we will send you an autograph copy of one of his books.

0 (36m 19s):
For more information about dr. B, you can check him out at dr. TC brentley.com or on Twitter at coach T C Brantley and on Instagram at dr. Brentley pH D until next time be encouraged and to God be the glory.