Transcript Why am I so angry? Why do I hurt the people that love me?

Why am I so angry? Why do I hurt the people that love me?

 

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Welcome to real raw with dr. B this nationally published author and pastor has made it his life’s work to helping people strengthen their relationship with God themselves and each other with 25 years as a licensed counselor, coupled with his own life experiences with the ups and downs of married and single life. It’s like having a counseling session right in your own home. So without any further ado, it’s time for real roar with dr. B.

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Oh my

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Goodness. This is doctor B. We’re here every time to give you some information about your relationship with yourself, with God. And most importantly with others. Again, I am so into this because again, I learned the hard way I did things that I should not have done in my first relationship. And so my, my, my, my thing of giving back, my thing, giving back is trying to teach what not to do again.

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We’re on Periscope. We’re on YouTube, Facebook. We hit all the points. And again, this is my heart, and hopefully you’re going to be blessed by this today. All right. The day’s topic is why am I so angry and why do I hurt people that love me one more time again? Why am I so angry? And why do I hurt the people that love me? Okay. Oh, okay. You got to understand that there was a seed planted. Okay. Okay. There was a seed planted in you.

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Okay. That the enemy does to all of us. Okay. And if we’re not careful, if we don’t extract, okay. Extract. Okay. We don’t extract that seed. Okay. Okay. If we don’t take that seed out of us, okay. We are only going to build up and build up. And then what happens as the builds up. Okay. Okay. As that, as it builds up. Okay.

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It comes out on the one you love. That’s mainly it because you are because the seed was planted because of sometimes rejection. Okay? Okay. Because you were rejected. Okay. Because you were taken down by somebody else, B B, B, B, because of that pain that was there. Okay. You’re feeling this rejection and that rejection, it grow.

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Why I tell you that rejection grows into what? And to anger it. Okay. Watch this. All right. So, okay. So again, you can’t deny your childhood. Okay? Okay. Some you raised by your grandparents. Okay? Thank God for grandma and grandpa. But some of you are mad at your mama. Okay? You’re mad at your daddy. Both of them were on drugs. Mom may been out there prostituting her body.

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Daddy didn’t care. Or your diety was the next door neighbor or Lord.

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Okay.

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I heard one case and this is not alone where the pastor was the father. Yeah. How about that? And then when you get grown, the pastor kicks you out because he didn’t want no one to know his business, but you are the business. Okay. Okay. That causes anger. That did, that. Did that, that causes the pain again from a biblical point of view. Jesus told the person will that be made?

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What? Huh? Will I be made whole, okay. Okay. Sometimes you get so angry. You just embrace that regular. You just embody that end game. And so it becomes you. Okay. I’m know what I’m talking about. People, because you know what, by God’s grace, I’ve learned to deal with my anger, but boy, I got it bad. Oh yeah. Right. Because of my childhood things that I experienced, the pain that I experienced.

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Okay. And we all deal with it. Also wouldn’t call anger is shame. Okay. You ashamed of the child, you, you, your, your, your dad, the pastor, or the people in your job, I’m sorry. People in the school, they shamed, you <inaudible>, they didn’t know how to accept you. Okay. Some of you were the only black person in your school. Some of you were the only Chinese person. Who’s got some, you only white person in your school.

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I mean, all of that ingredients or I’m teaching somebody, I’m sorry. I’m counseling. All of those ingredients.

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Yeah.

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Okay. All those ingredients we’ll become a part of you. That’s why to deal with this anger. You have to consistently write this word down. Okay? You got to flush. You got to flush. Okay. Give you a good grade. You got to flush you. You, you, you can’t allow that anger to live. You cannot allow the anger to flourish.

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Because if you allow the anger to flourish, then what you will do, you will put that anger out on people who love you. You be surprised when people want to love you, but you mean you mean in a junk yard? DOE you know, my junk yard dogs on me and go, don’t be fed. Don’t feel no love. So gentlemen,

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That’s saying, when you talk to your spouse, your children, they don’t get another about, I

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Don’t hear nothing. Why? Because you weren’t paying so F okay. How do you deal with the anger you forgive? Okay. Okay. Okay. You got to learn to forgive the person who put that CD in you. You, you, you, you, you, you gotta say, you know what? I got to forgive. Whether they admit it or not, some of you are dealing with secrets. I’m going DVP. Some of you dealing with secrets of how you were abused by an uncle or abused by your mama. Yes. Or used by your father. And you’ve kept this secret all of your life and be cool counsel.

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And because you kept that secret, you are hangry and, and everyone is wondering, why are you so angry? Because there’s a secret. I’m, I’m going deep on y’all. There’s a secret that you have kept from your youth. Okay? There’s a secret. You kept from that time, from that priest, from that pastor, from people who you trust it. And they took advantage of you. They manipulated you. And because of that, you are what? Angry. Okay? F forgiveness, L you got to live, okay?

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You got to live again. You got to say, you know what? I watch it. Because if you stay so angry, you’ll stay. And we call it in our clinical point. It’s an arrested development. In other words, you are arrested. Okay? We talked about police who are not good. Some, some counsel, some have been arrested by pain, arrested by the abuse, arrested by lying, arrested by rejection, arrested by broken promises, by a mother, a father, sister, brother, you have been arrested.

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And because you are arrested, you are stinging in that place. That place of anger. And again, when you are so angry, you will continue to hurt those around you. So that has to change. Because if that doesn’t change, you will become this person that no one wants to be around. So, okay. F is forgiveness. L is to live. You is youthfulness. We mean usefulness.

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If you stay in that arrested development, you’re not going to be used by God. You’re going to be so washy. You’re so full of anger. Am I helping somebody right now? You are so full of anger. You are so full of the rejection. So full of the shame. So full of the negativity. You’re not useful to anybody. Okay? Now people know this. If you don’t know it, I’ll tell you right now, a stagnant water is simply water. That’s not coming in and not coming out.

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In other words, there’s nothing coming in, nothing going out. So you become stagnant. And can we go deep? I will guess who’s drinking the stagnant water. Guess who’s drinking that stagnant water. I guess who’s drinking that poison water. Guess who is drinking? That stuff that is coming all inside of your system. Guess who’s drinking it. You ain’t gotta take ya. You. And that’s why it’s so easily for you to hurt people that trying to love you.

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That’s why so easily for you to destroy people who are trying to get close to you. That’s why it’s so easy for you to do things to people who try to get your attention. All right, we’ll come back with a second.

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But number two, real raw with dr. B is brought to you by the total relationship trainer, a ministry of restoration Springs, interdenominational church, Hosea four six says our people die for a lack of knowledge to that end, dr. B has written 24 nationally published books on relationships, intimacy and theology. You can check out his library at dr. T C brentley.com.

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Backslash bookstore. If you or a loved one are in a difficult season in your life, marriage or personal situation, you can reach out to dr. B at area code (203) 753-7377 or via email at dr. B is real@gmail.com. That’s D R B I S R E a l@gmail.com. Now back to your virtual relationship counselor, here’s more of dr.

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B we’re bad people. Yeah, we are. We talking about anger

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While you’re hurting people who love you. All right. So we are giving the acronym of flesh our firm. Again, you have to flush the anger. You have to flush the anger. Cause if you don’t flush your anger, the anger will overpower you. The anger will just take you over and you’ll be good for nobody. So again, it’s forgiveness. That’s the L L I’m sorry. Forgiveness is for F L is to live. You have to live, use being useful as very simple as is trying to understand again, again, is really S is now this is going to be even on some, I’m trying to say savior, You need Jesus.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. You need a savior. You’d be surprised how many people were angry. Alcoholics drug addicts, homeowners, the destructive. You know why that made their savior? Those things that they there, every time they have a flashback, excuse me. Every time they have an issue, they try to cover it, cover it with weed.

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They’re making weed, their savior. Listen, I’m not condemning nobody. I’m not. I’m telling you what works for me. Jesus works for me. Okay. He’s a savior. Okay. We all need to be saved by somebody. Okay. Hear me. Every person out there has a savior. Can I go deeper in here real quick? Every person out there has a savior. The key is, are they the savior or a temporary savior? And again, people on drugs, alcohol, they’re trying to cover their pain.

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Okay. They’re trying to deal with the pain of what’s happened to them. Okay? So the, the, the, that they’re trying to find other avenues to cope. Okay? The, the, the, the, the, the drugs, the alcohol becomes a coping mechanism. Am I helping somebody? It becomes a coping mechanism to try to help them become better or deal with the pain. And I’m telling you that is not a good coping mechanism. Why? Because that coping mechanism, if you use it and overuse it, it will, what it will kill you.

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And at the same time, you also are hurting the people that love you. You’re hurting the people that want to be connected to you. You’re hurting the people that want to bring that attention to you, right? Because you’re looking for the savior in the wrong places. Okay. I, ain’t here to preach. I’m here to counsel. So I’m telling everybody every, hear me, every person in pain, every person who is anger, you have a savior. You, you, you, you have a savior. The key is what is your savior? As the people say, what is your drug of choice?

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Okay. So you have your savior choice. I decided my savior is Christ. Okay. So H you got to get help. Okay? Okay. You got to get help. <inaudible> to really deal with the anger. So you’re not hurting the people around you. You got to get the help. You got to get this out of your system. Okay. Now, now I’m going to be honest with you. It will probably never leave you. You just learn how to cope with it. You know how to deal with it. Okay. Because really the anger okay.

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Is really a part of your DNA. Okay? It’s a part of your DNA. Is there, you know, Paul prayed three times, Lord take the thing away from me and God did not. That’s why I believe. That’s what I believe. Paul said any, Feagins be angry, but what? Sin? Not. So anger is an emotion. Okay. Let’s go deeper. Biblically. We see cane. Okay. The first person born outside of the garden of Eden, the first person.

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Matter of fact, he was the first person born. Those that believe in the Bible. He was the first person born. Okay. This is going deep on y’all. So, since he was the first person born, please remember Adam and Eve were where they were created. They were created. Cain was what born. One more time. I don’t Eve was created, but Cain was what born from Adam and Eve. And so one of the emotions of Kane is what is anger. He was angry at his brother.

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He was jealous. He was angry. He was, he was, he was envious of his own brother. And because of that negative signal alive, because of that negativity, I’m going to hit. And so I can say this I’ve talked to me in st. Blah, blah, blah, because of that negativity. All right. He ushers in that anger. Matter of fact, God says to him that, that, that, that, that sin lying at the what at the door. So, so, so washes here. That’s why anger is so powerful because anger is always a, what?

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An option door I’m teaching. Y’all I’m counseling. Anger is always an option door. Okay? The thing is you can’t take the door, okay? Because when you take that door on a consistent basis, you’re going to hurt, loved ones. If you keep taking that door, you’re going to destroy loved ones. If you keep doing that over and over and over and over again, you’re going to hurt people who trying to love you.

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So that’s why you keep hurting people. Cause how deep can I say how deep your anger is? Can I say deep? Your anger is,

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Can I tell you? You don’t even recognize it. Yeah.

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You don’t even recognize it. Do you? You don’t even recognize how your child’s afraid of you. You don’t even recognize how your wife is afraid of you. You, you, you, you don’t even see how their whole system turns upside down because there was a, a trigger,

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Okay?

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Because of a trigger. Now you’re blowing off. You are destroying and you don’t understand EAP. They ain’t ready for this. You don’t understand. You know, when you’re doing, you are injecting

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Poison.

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You are injecting poison into your family. You are injecting poison into your spouse. You are injecting poison into your children. You are injecting poison into your cousin. You are injecting, poison into people who are trying to love you. And then you are so infected. Yup. I’m gonna call it out. I’m gonna go. You are so infected. Okay. You were in so infected by the anger.

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You don’t see people trying to love you. And then you have the nerve to say, well, no one loves me. No one wants to be around me. No, no one wants to be around you. You got that, right? No one wants to be around. No one wants to be around you because you are so you’re so angry. You just pop off on people. You, you, you just go off on people and you expect them to deal with it. Really, really.

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So you are expecting people to deal with the stuff that you are dealing with. All right. And really, that’s what you’re doing with your infection. You are a rattlesnake or you don’t like that EAP. Okay? I’m gonna break this down. You’re a rattle and a snake. I love fam you that’s. That’s our mascot strike. Strike, strike again for a fan. Your alumni. You know what I’m talking about?

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1988 graduate. That’s how long ago it was. Anyway, you are a rattlesnake. Number one, you rattle, you, you tear up the house, you tap the car, you break cell phones. You just, you, the incredible home. You’re just destroying the everything around you. And then you expect people to accept that. So you are rattlesnake first year rattling your, your, your, your, you go off your accusing, you destroy it.

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And then you are a snake. Why you’re giving venom? Am I talking to somebody? Okay. You’re giving venom to somebody. You’re putting venom. You putting negativity inside that person. And then you wonder why they would don’t want to be around you. You do. You wonder why they did that. They don’t have any connection with you. All right. We’re coming back with segment. Our last setbacks, every number three, God bless you.

0 (20m 12s):
The Bible says that any man that loves his wife loves himself. So it’s in that vein that dr. B wrote the book, successful marriages for successful men, giving guys the tools on marriage that he was never taught. I tell you that my ignorance in my first marriage was definitely shown. And I learned the hard way. And that’s one of the reasons why I write so many books on relationships because no one taught me. And I learned the hard way yet. It is my heart to help men, especially not learn the hard way purchases this book and all of dr.

0 (20m 49s):
B’s nationally published books can be made at the bookstore at dr. TC brentley.com. They can also be bought on Amazon, as well as Barnes and noble.com. Now here’s more of your virtual relationship counselor. This is more of dr. B

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Back people with our third segment on anger. Why am I hurting people that love me again? I really hope this is touching something on you, because again, why am I talking about this? Cause I did it. I did it. Okay. I, I went after, you know, my, my, my first relationship, my kids were afraid of me. I would just act out the angry little boy.

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Okay. And see, here’s what we don’t understand. Even though you may be growing right now, even though you remember growing up that little boy, a little girl, It’s still there. Yeah. That ready for this people. That first screen is still going. Wow. That, that, that first scream from the trauma, right?

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That first scream from the abuse that, that, that, that first scream. And I know those who are Christians, we believe in the power of Christ. We understand that. But until you identify,

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Okay, okay.

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Until you admit, Okay, we can look at John chapter eight, where the woman caught in the very act of adultery. When Jesus spoke to that woman, she said, yeah, I’m guilty. Again. There was no trying to run around it. And the problem with many Christians sometimes is that they want to run from the responsibility of the pain. They don’t want to understand that. You know what? For me to heal, I got to identify it. That’s why many, if you’re not careful, many believers are overeating.

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I got quiet on that one. They, they, they, they, they, they, they, they’re trying to max the pain, you cannot master pain with something else. You got to finally deal with that scream. I can’t let that go. Okay. You got to deal with that scream. You gotta deal with that loud screen. That’s in your system. You gotta say, you know what? I’m tired of yelling. Okay?

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Cause that’s what you’re doing. When you’re going off on your mate, your spouse, your kids, you’re yelling at them. You don’t understand that because of the trauma. As a child, you are still yelling at your mate. You are still going off on your mate and actually allergy. You’re not really going off on your mate. You’re going off. The person that made you scream. Oh, you, I didn’t want that one. I’ll say that one more time. Again. You are really going off on the person that made you scream, but they’re not there.

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Some of them are dead. Some of them doesn’t, some of them do not recognize what they’ve done to you and they’re still living. Some of them deny the offense to you. All right? And so we here you are trying to, to deal with a scream and how you deal with the scream you recognize, you know what it is painful. Stop denying the pain. Stop denying that this actually happened to me and it’s causing a ruckus is causing this issue in me that I can not continue.

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Okay. Is causing this animosity. Am I help us? Nobody is causing this, the, this convergence in my marriage that is really destroying us. And how do you change that? You have to recognize the pain and then you recognize the pain we talked about earlier. You got to flush you every, every time you go to the bathroom, I believe he flushed.

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Let me say, I hope you’ll flush Because when you don’t flush, something starts to stay all by. It’s okay. If it ain’t ready for me, I gave, we talked about that. Listen. Well, you don’t flush again. We talked about it before. It’s a buildup. Okay. It’s it’s a buildup. It’s a buildup of the paint.

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It’s a buildup of the anger. It’s a bit of an, it builds up. It does. And then what happens? It happens too many times. You become a volcano. Okay? You become a volcano. You jazz it. That was a, that was a, a volcano sound. Okay. Okay. You just top off. Okay. You just, you just go off on people. You just, you just literally just destroy everybody around you.

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And then you got the nerve to tell people what’s wrong. Wait a minute. You just had a volcano reaction. Okay. Ash and lava is everywhere. Okay? I mean, you burnt every thing up, your wife, your daughter, your husband, playing a nice meal for you.

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And you just put your emotional loud vibe everywhere. Your emotional lava has covered the entire service. And you’re wondering why what’s wrong with y’all again. See, that’s how powerful your anger is. My brother and my sister. That’s how powerful it is. And that is so powerful that you don’t see the people and the ramifications around it. You don’t see it. You don’t understand that your, your points of action has caused our destruction.

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Your points of action have hurt. Your points of action has taken some body out. Your points of action have said in so many words, you’re not good for me. Why? Because no matter what I do for you, you still angry at me. And guess what? You indirectly, mr. Volcano, miss volcano. I’m talking about you. You become so destructive, right? You become so disruptive.

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You just accept it.

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Okay. Again,

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How you made the change. We talked about the flush. Okay. We, we, we, we broke down what flesh means. All right. So, so, so we broke that down with all that stuff mean you have to make the change because if you don’t make the change, the change will not come. Does that make sense? I think that makes you have to make the change and you have to say, I don’t want my kids angry at me. That that was one of the things that really helped me after my divorce.

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I don’t want my kids angry at me. Why? Because if my, if my kids become angry,

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Guess what? They’re going to pass it on.

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Do you know how many people in jail

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Angry? Morling you know,

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You know what I mean? People on drugs who are angry, you know what I mean? People who will not, again, you will not receive love. Why three going on from the reason why you want, we see, love you so full

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A pain.

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You’re so full of pain. You are so full of pain. You will lash out. You are so full of pain. You will destroy. You are so full of pain that you just going to hurt everybody. You see everyone that comes in, Gary, everyone that comes in your view, you just destroy. How long are you going to continue? That? How long are you going to continue? And some of you like being a bully or EAP, they got quiet on that one. You liked being a bully.

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Okay? You liked being a bully. You, you, you, your you’re you’re you’re, you’re your, you like destroying people. You, you, you, you like coming after people like that, really? So that’s what you want in your grave site. Maybe you were angry, mail, be angry. That’s really what you want when you’re in grave site. Really? That what you really want. My brother, my sister, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that people don’t even want to be around you. I saw it today.

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And I don’t know if it was because of COVID-19, but I saw a funeral possession. I haven’t seen one in a very long time because of COVID 19. But when I saw the possession, I kinda wanted only four cars. That was it. Now I don’t know. That’d be, cause of COVID-19 in part probably was. But what if it wasn’t? No, COVID 19. That’s the only people you, you touched and they only following you because you, you may have put them in your will.

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I am so bad today. All the time. The only reason why you following you, because they may be in your wheel and some you, so me, you ain’t gotta wheel. I ain’t go. No, nobody. That’s anger that had that. Why? Because you didn’t receive anything. So how do you, again, how do you heal from that? Okay. How here? But that you give out because as you give out, you also will give out the negativity.

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Do you, you, you, you, you, you, you give out what’s going on in that relationship. You, you, you, you give out what’s going on in that, in that part of your life, that you don’t like, you start to give it out. That’s how you heal. That’s how you become better. You will not stay here. You know, isn’t it funny. You have gotten an education. You, you, your, your, your, your, your cars have improved. Your house has improved.

1 (31m 53s):
Your clothing has improved. Your salary has improved. Maybe they didn’t like that one. You know what I’m going, right? Everything’s improved. But your emotions and the reason why you haven’t improved them. Cause you say, well, you know, I must be doing good. My, my salary is going up. I’m getting a better car. My man is still there. My woman’s still there. Listen. Sometimes people are with you cause they are afraid of you.

1 (32m 25s):
Okay? Okay. They’re not with you for love. They, they wouldn’t because they’re afraid of you really. That’s why you want people in your life. You really want that. You really wonder. I hope so. I hope this is really putting things in perspective with you, that you have to move to another level. You, you, you, you, you can not stay where you’re at. You have to make that transition. And when you make that transition, you become a better person.

1 (32m 56s):
When you made that transition you again, you’re trying to let go of the pain. You you’re trying to move into the place. Okay? You’re trying to move to another level. But again, you have to make the decision. You have to see, you gotta see the Dead’s around you. Yeah. Or the corpse or the zombies. Were you talking about zombie?

1 (33m 27s):
Your family has a walking zombie. Every time you walk through that door, all my goodness. It’s like eggshells. They afraid to talk. They can’t do nothing because they are afraid. You’re going to go off on them. They are so wanting to love you. They are so wanting to be close to you, but you just keep pushing them away. You know why? Because there’s something internally that you are not dealing with. And it’s time. It’s time. 2020 is a time for better focus.

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2020 is a time for better. What vision, when you have that mentality, things will change for you. All right. People. This is a doctor B, hope you have enjoyed this episode, his podcast. God bless you until next time.

5 (34m 13s):
Peace.

0 (34m 15s):
Thank you for tuning in to real row with dr. B, this show is a product of the total relationship trainer, a ministry of restoration Springs into denominational church. If you have any questions, comments, or topics to be discussed, contact at dr. B is real@gmail.com. If you’d like to hear the show again, you can go to the real world with dr. B Facebook page. If you are being led to give and want to partner with us, donations are accepted via cash app at dollar sign RSIC 1997.

0 (34m 51s):
We also accept donations via PayPal at new rest, one twenty@yahoo.com for donations of $25 or more, we will send you an autographed copy of one of his books. For more information about dr. B, you can check him out at dr. TC brentley.com or on Twitter at coach TC Brantley, and on Instagram at dr. Brentley PhD until next time be encouraged and to God be the glory.